The amazing story of two 40-something women on the path to matrimonial bliss

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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Our Scary Life

Me being terribly threatening and queer with the also sweetly scary Hilda.
Recently, I had a hateful and homophobic post show up in my Facebook newsfeed, posted by a young extended family member.  It caught me a little off guard because, well, I think I've let my guard down since the elections ended and I've been happy to take a break from seeing and reading things people wrote and posted that reminded me how many folks in "America" really feel. They may smile to my face when they see me in person, but in the comfort of their own sheltered worlds, who knows the extent of what is said and done! Well, actually, thank to social networking, many of us know the extent of what is said and done.

My initial reaction to these things is to feel sad and disappointed in myself.  After all, wasn't one of the reasons for all of us to "come out" to give the younger generation ordinary non-scary role models and  might that counter the bigotry and bias they were learning in other places (including their own homes?) It makes me sad to know that while many young people have been somewhat liberated from their homophobia and hate, there are still some who have been not only allowed, but also encouraged to carry on the tradition of being bigots. That feels sad and wasteful to me. These are the same people I sent birthday cards and Christmas presents and other ordinary familial well-wishes to over the years, so I quickly move from sadness and disappointment to a bit of crabby frustration.
Teri being equally horrific with the iridescent Virginia.
Yes, I get that it is ignorance and fear, and yes, I understand we still have a long way to go but, seriously?! I would be horrified and ashamed if I ever heard of my kids--grown as they may be--saying or doing something willfully hurtful, racist, homophobic, sexist or bigoted.  I worked hard as a parent to do whatever I could to make sure the bias I grew up with stopped with me.  Teri is a bit better at shrugging her shoulders and chalking such things up to "the way things are" or the fact that "some people will never change." Me? Not so much...

So, despite the fact that I feel we have an inherited obligation of advocacy and modeling work to do, I've become increasingly liberal with the "unfriend" button.  Maybe I could be accused of trying to live my own version of a sheltered life, but I'd like to minimize the hate, bigotry, racism, homophobia, and whatever other ickyness that I have to read or see while sitting comfortably in my own home. I am still sad and disappointed and frustrated, but there is also some self-preservation involved. If I am completely honest, there is also a great deal of defensive solidarity with all of my awesome friends and loved ones who are also the targets of hate, bias and bigotry: not in my house, not on my screen--you've made your choice and now I'm making what choices I can.


  1. My mother always said, "You can't control what goes on outside, but in your own home you certainly can..." Good for you...blessings and love to you and yours.

  2. I agree with your decision. My personal facebook page is mine to control.

  3. You get to decide how you want change the world. In my humble opinion, you work so hard to not only do your part but to fill the gap a little for others as well. Hooray for being good to yourself and barring hate from your home!