The Uninvited Wedding Guests: Spiders

The weather has finally dried out here our part of the Pacific Northwest.  We are having to water the garden almost daily and keeping up with deadheading flowers, trimming trees and general Summer gardening tasks is consuming us.  At least, I keep telling myself, until mid-August and then it can do whatever it wants!

Every morning, as I walk out to water the garden, I walk through a gauntlet of spider webs and industrious spiders.  I don't remember having to battle spiders on this big scale last Summer but then again, I wasn't quite as hyper-sensitive as I am this year.

They are sweet little spiders, working hard to build their webs between shrubbery, flower stalks, tree trunks and patio chairs--just trying to do their Summer spider thing and start a family.  Teri and I keep moving them out of the way, off into the bamboo hedge or on the edges of the garden and we keep finding them across paths or dangling from our ceiling fans indoors.  Sheesh.  Come on, Spiders, work with us!

Teri has decided that we need to add "sweeping the webs" to the task list for the day before and the day of the Wedding.  Some brave soul or two will need to do a sweep through the yard and garden and then we'll have to run out there and get married before they re-build. 

Don't get me wrong, I am a spider fan--I love having them all around the garden to eat the pests and am normally patient with peeling the broken webs off my face.  Teri and I delighted in watching a bunch of babies hatch last year on our deck and grow until they spun off amazingly long webs and launched themselves into the world. These aren't the sort of spiders who bite or grow enormously huge--they just want to be sweet little industrious garden spiders in our happy organic garden.  But we are about to have 75 people wandering around our garden eating cake and the last thing they need is spiders peeking out at them.  So, sorry spiders, but you are going to have hide out for a day or two or build those impressive webs on the edges of the garden for a couple weeks--after that, you can have the entire yard to yourselves!

Who is the Girl and Who is the Bride?

The other day a friend of ours (you know who you are) called Teri and I an enigma. We were humorously talking about our shared fluidity in terms of how we operate in the world and in our relationship.  We don't identify ourselves in any sort of rigid gender way and we don't have clearly defined imitations of gender stereotypes that we subscribe to. People have asked us to define ourselves before--both people within the Queer community (gay, lesbian, transgendered, etc.) and those without--or they have assigned designations for us. Like many people both straight and gay, it doesn't work and it doesn't fit and we don't really want to play anyway.

A couple years ago, I was part of a panel presentation in front of a group of young adults and someone asked me which of us (my partner or I) was the "woman" in our relationship?  I answered that we both identify as women and guided the person in clarifying whether they wanted to know about sex roles or jobs, skills and tasks that they had gendered? It was mostly the latter.  Most of us are raised in such a gender-segregated and gender-defined world!  I remember from kindergarten on, having the school day keenly separated by "girls" groups and activities and "boys" groups and activities.  Stereotypes and generalizations are made CONSTANTLY and the majority of all that stuff is created or made-up.  It has absolutely nothing to do with genetics or sex identity.  Sorry, but it doesn't.

People wonder what a household with two women or two men could possibly be like?  How does everything get done?  How do you know who gets to be the "king of the castle?" Who makes decisions, controls the money, does the crappy jobs? Who? How? and my answer is Why does it have to be so boggling?  Why does every castle have to have a king? 

Teri and I have a drawer in a bathroom where all the nail polish lives.  We also both have our own well-stocked toolboxes (and while we know how to do a lot, we also know how to read up or google something we don't or know how to call a professional when the need arises.)  I know het men who don't use tools and het women who don't own a single bottle of nail polish.  My son played with dolls, my daughters had Legos-it didn't make any of them gay (at least not yet)--let it go, loosen up, think beyond the stereotypes!

Some people are "butcher" than others and this goes for men, women, hets and gay people.  Some days I am "butcher" than other days and the fact that I can acknowledge what is inherently me and what is behavior and created means I can move beyond the rigidity of stereotypes.  Some days I have to do the crappy jobs and it's not because I'm a woman, it's because it's my turn.

As many of you know, Teri and I are both wearing dresses for our ceremony and it was by personal choice.  I think of myself as a bride and a spouse and she does too.  We don't have to try to imitate some gendered ideal just to make it easier for people to wrap their heads around.  I am an idealist and an optimist and I think people can free themselves up beyond nail polish and checkbooks and "who wears the pants"-- after all, by now, none of this is terribly revolutionary.

I often think of a favorite recording of my kids when they were younger: "Free to Be You and Me"--it was actually from MY generation and my sister gave the kids a copy when they were preschoolers.  They listened to it constantly and they still reference many of the songs and skits including one with two babies trying to figure out whether they are a girl or a boy. We can get beyond this and I'm here to tell you that it makes room for focusing and concentrating on stuff that isn't made up.

Home Hunting

Along with all the Wedding planning stuff, Teri and I are searching for our next home.  Our time in the "practice house" as we called it when we found it and took the stressful leap of faith to co-habitate together has gone past it's comfortable tenure and now we are in the market for a place we can settle into for the long haul.  The search is not without it's own stresses and challenges and, to be honest, if it weren't for some forces and folks beyond our control, we might have postponed the hunt a little longer.  But, alas, the time has definitely come!

We have had the grown-up conversations--buy? rent? lease? apartment? house? townhouse? what part of town? how many bedrooms? how much yard?We are selective, taking our time and processing some of our feelings around the move.  We each have different strengths when it comes to picking through the details and moving--even though we have both moved more than two dozen times in our adult lives.  We don't mind moving, but we have different approaches, skill sets and strengths.  We are both looking forward to getting settled in a new place; the possibilities and the unknowns--as Teri has said, she'd like to just fast-forward to the first of September and have all the parties and boxes and moving over with!

I can say that this house and home hunt feels completely different from our last one!  We know each other so much better and we have established our shared values around what is important and what is not.  We are Out and legal as a couple, our finances are commingled, we have shared in all the lessons of the practice house and we have some pretty clear ideas of what we want in our next incarnation. So, as we peruse neighborhoods and squeeze in phone calls and showings around all the other 2-week Wedding stuff we're doing, and we start to pack away unnecessary items in labeled boxes, there is a soup pot of emotions: excitement, anticipation, resentment, frustration, anger, fear, exhaustion, humor, skepticism, annoyance, gratitude, confidence, concern, hopefulness.  We divide up tasks and try to pay attention to both what needs to get done and how each of us works best.  And then, we get to take turns having the overwhelmed melt-downs that seem to be inevitable!

We are looking forward to kicking off our married life in a new place and shedding off some of the "old challenges" for the inevitable new ones.  Mostly, though, we are just trying to stay present in the process and keep focused on the temporariness of this period in our lives.  There is a whole new world on the other side of September!

Change of Plans!

I have done enough events to know that this is the time when the best laid plans...shift! That is the ironic roller-coaster ride of planning--the trick is to get good and organized in the time leading up to the big day so that one can adjust to all the inevitable changes. In the end, it sort of has a life of its own and it is going to be what it is going to be--so now is the time when things are a-changin'!

This morning, I was up quite early after a poor night's sleep and realized that our planned seating arrangement was really no longer adequate.  There have been the expected unexpected adjustments and now we need to rearrange the tables and the seat assignments to accommodate. Okay.  Looks good.  Teri did point out that she fully expects that it will change again a time or two in the next two weeks.

Second adjustment of the day--calling the rental supply folks and arranging for delivery.  We originally planned to do the pick-up and drop-off ourselves but what were we thinking?  While getting all the stuff back to the fabulous Parties to Go is not going to be a problem, it became readily apparent that having the tables, chairs and dishes delivered would make the whole preparation day before the wedding run much more smoothly.  Okay--change of plans!

The guest list is morphing (yet again), who is doing what is morphing (yet again) and right now it is really a matter of just staying in and on the roller coaster ride that is the final two weeks.  We can do this! Armed with a cell phone and a credit card and a list of good pals who've said they are available to help--there isn't anything we can't manage!  At least--that is the affirmation for today...

Where are We Now?

I'll bet some of you are wondering if we have imploded yet? Well, the answer is no, or at least not really; or even if we've imploded a little bit, we re-inflated and are managing to hold it together.  Maybe not with as much grace and panache as we'd have liked, but so be it.

As thousands of couples legally marry in New York state, Teri and I have 19 days to go until we have our ceremony which we are calling a Wedding--even if our state of Oregon is still clinging to the separate and not equal approach to civil rights.  So be it.  We certainly have all the stress, expense and challenges associated with a "traditional Wedding" but that is just how things stand.  A few months ago, I made a list of our Wedding Planning Land by the numbers as things stood then.  I thought I'd take a little time to give you all an update of where things stand now...by the numbers:

Days to go until the ceremony and celebration: 19
Number of people who have not let us know in one way or another whether they will attend: 16
Number of solid-colored bridesmaid/best gal dresses acquired: 5
Number of invitations we mailed that were returned and needed to be re-addressed: 1
Number of invitations we re-addressed because of couple status changes: 3
Number of gifts we have already received: 3
Number of tables we will likely have for reception meal seating: 8 (or 9)
Total silverware items purchased for event: 216: 6 dozen each: knives, spoons, forks
Number of pairs of glass salt & pepper shakers purchased: 9
Pounds of flour purchased at Costco: 25
Pounds of powdered/confectioner's sugar purchased at Costco: 16
Number of 2.5 gallon glass beverage dispensers we now own: 3
Total programs printed and assembled: 90
Total wine cork place-card holders crafted: 100
Date we filed Domestic Partnership paperwork with state: 6.3.2011
Number of get-away weekends we've taken to de-stress and re-group in past few months: 4
Number of months since we got engaged: 16
Number of practice cakes we've made: 15
Times we've squabbled about money: 0
Times we've squabbled about people: countless--we are generally on the same side but have often needed to vent!
Number of rings purchased: 6 (3 each-- engagement rings, one we started wearing when we filed our DP paperwork, and one that we will exchange during the ceremony)

I realized once I started that I could go on and on with the list, but maybe it is best to stop quantifying.  What it all boils down to is we are getting closer.  We tell people that if we'd known some of what has gone down in march to our big day, we might have chosen to do something different BUT there are things that we have appreciated about the process as well.  We have learned more about each other and feel even more solid in our values and we have seen both the best and worst of ourselves and each other (and a few other people as well.)  Long after we've re-homed all those dozens of sets of silverware, we will have the planks of this process in the platform of our relationship.  Not to mention, we won't be able to truly evaluate until at least August 14th!

Let's Just Call This What it Is

It has been a while since I have written here about the elephant in the room-it isn't like I forget, it is just that one would like things to be as normal and ordinary as possible.  Mostly.

Yesterday, I watched the Senate committee hearing on the Respect for Marriage Act (H.R. 116, S., 598) introduced in both the U.S. House and the Senate.  I was home sick from work, so instead of chairing a meeting as previously planned, I propped myself up on pillows and watched the live stream of the committee hearing.  Those old white men who spoke out against it and in defense of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) sat there as others testified about the harmful and discriminatory realities of 15 years of DOMA (homes, death benefits, health coverage, inherited property--all lost or denied because of federal policies) and then went on to say that it wasn't that they were "against" gays and lesbians, they just believed that getting rid of DOMA would open the doors for children to be taught how to be homosexuals and that same sex families were normal (never mind the children who grow up within such families), that "traditional marriages" are the only ones that count, and that if gays and lesbians can legally marry then taxpayers will be subsidizing polygamy next.  Whew.  Good thing those people are not "against" gays and lesbians!

Yesterday was also the day I was reminded that there are some relatives who won't be attending our ceremony because "it makes them feel uncomfortable."  We tried to weed out the obvious antis and right-wingers in the guest list construction, but as Teri and I and every other gay person in the world knows: you just never know. We never know how people truly vote, what sort of language they use with their kids or in the privacy of their homes, or what they might actually do in the face of differences and diversity.  You just never know...until you do.  And then we get to come face to face with a unique kind of bigotry: homophobia.

The reason that I think of homophobia as a unique sort of hate and bigotry is that when one is a person of color, part of a minority religion or some other diverse group, chances are, so is one's family of origin. There is a sense of belonging--at least to the family or to a minority culture--from which one can draw strength, survival skills and a defensive base of self-acceptance.  That just is not the case for LGBTQ folks where often the first line of rejection, hatred and homophobia comes from our families.  We have to go out into the homophobic world to create a sense of belonging and to create safe spheres where we can be ourselves in any sort of genuine way.  For many of us, our families eventually come around--or they learn how to "accept" and "tolerate"--I don't think that is the case for other targeted populations who know that even if the rest of the world rejects them, they have a kindred haven within their families. I am not saying that one form of bigotry or racism is better or worse, just that there are some differences.  Of course, I will NEVER know what it is like to be a person of color, so I can only truthfully speak to what I do know and experience.

So we fight and struggle within our families, our schools, our communities, and then we continue the struggle on a larger, political and human rights level.  We have people tell us that they are not "against" us, they just can't imagine seeing two women kiss or wonder what two men do in bed or other imagined moments they believe justify denying fairness and justice.  We bolster ourselves for the comments, legislation, misinformation and fear that people seem to feel necessary.  To be honest, I can't really decide if I am sorry that these people feel "uncomfortable" or not.  As I told Teri last night in talking about the people from our world who are choosing not to come to our ceremony, I don't know if it really bothers me or not since I have had years to develop the thick-skin necessary to live in a world of "isms." Of course, we don't want anyone present who is thinking icky thoughts, but we also would like to think that by now, our ordinary "outness" has made a difference in easing people's homophobia.  With all the movement toward increased social justice and basic rights, we can forget that people are still victims of gay-bashing and homophobic violence, schools are still unsafe for our kids (and not because of the gay people), and every day people still come out to families who reject them.

The elephant in the room is that there is STILL an elephant in the room...

The Wall

With three weeks to go, things have become temporarily un-fun. We have had over a week of rain and cool temperatures here which is a. unseasonable and while it is b. great for the garden, it is c. hard on the spirit. 

Repeated attempts to contact the last of the non-rsvp-ers have yielded a couple responses (thank you) but there are still a couple dozen folks unaccounted for.  Teri and I have decided that come deadline day, that's it--we'll just go with the numbers we have. And we are striving not to take anything personal at this stage even though we are vulnerable, exhausted and stressed. We don't have any control anyway--the requested solid-color dresses have become come-as-you-are; the seating chart is a moving target with additions, subtractions, break-ups and the like; and the stress of knowing I may have to cover work stuff on the Wedding day despite attempts to the contrary for nearly a year are weighing us down. Even if our two main mantras are "Whatever" and "It is what it is" does not mean that two gals have not become a bit worn down by reality.


Work stuff, neighborhood stuff, family stuff, personal stuff--this is the reality of not only weddings but of marriage. The bridal magazines show glowing young brides surrounded by color-coordinated perfection--but this has nothing to do with real life. Real Life is personal emotional upheaval that tends to catch us off guard, tending to family dynamics, being there for our kids no matter how old they get, house hunting at the most inopportune time, dealing with energy-sucking people, discrimination, economics, politics, weather, getting sick, and myriad other unglamorous realities.  this is also the stuff of Weddings, I'm here to tell you.  Weddings may look pretty perfect on glossy magazine pages but they are a messy microcosm of the merging of two different worlds.

So, we're tired, Teri and I--we aren't sleeping particularly well and yet we are trying to take things one day at a time.  I've managed to get a bit sick in the midst of all this Life stuff and we are reminding ourselves that commitment isn't really about the ceremony and the celebration.  As Teri says, as far as we're concerned, we're already married--Life just gives us practicum for reaffirming our commitment.