What IS in a Name?

Identity is a big deal. Our names represent us to the rest of the world and I have known people who have wrestled with getting a first name that felt like a fit, and wrestled with what to do with last names that did or didn't feel like accurate representations of themselves as well.  Our names are history, language, connection and baggage!

For Teri and I, we have had the "name discussion" a few times and, for me, getting comfortable with my name has been an evolving process.  I was born with the surname Nickson, but that was replaced by Rodley when I was three and my mother remarried the man who became my Dad and he legally adopted my brother and I. For much of my childhood, Rodley felt like a functional, but borrowed name.  When I married the man-husband at the age of 19 (yeah...that is a whole bookshelf of conversation), I legally added Irons to my name and pretty much used both Rodley and Irons since then.  Not hyphenated, although it often is, just two last names.

When I divorced years ago, the legal decree stated that I got my "maiden" name back.  At the time, however, my much younger children had strong feelings about our having the "matching" names so I just kept using the two.  Now, of course, I have had the name Irons longer than I have had any other surname but it really doesn't belong to me.  My kids are grown and they no longer care, but I have used Irons professionally for so long that it will take time to really let that go completely--even though I am quite ready!

Teri was born with the name Thompson and when she married the man-husband at the age of 21 (yep, we both got married the first time in 1986), she took his name of Schlesinger.  But just to add another twist, that was not his original birth name either!  Her original man-husband legally changed his name to something that sounded more "American" and less ethnic. When she divorced, her daughter also had a strong reaction to her changing her name and Teri thinks that is still the case, so she gave up any plan to let go of her original married name. 

So when the two of us talked about the whole name dilemma, we decided that she didn't want my man-husband name and I didn't want hers (heck, I don't even want mine anymore).  We didn't really want to make up a new name and go through all that red tape to both change our names--it just seemed too much of a hassle at this point. On the legal domestic partner paperwork, we can only do some limited combinations of each other's existing names.  Does it bother me that she has someone else's name?  Sometimes it does a little, but not because it is someone else's.  It bothers me because it is SO easy for hets to marry and change their names, it was easy for my Dad to adopt me and slap the moniker Rodley onto my identity, but it is quite hard for two middle-aged women to inhabit a family name that truly fits with a simple legal process.  We are both so far into this life and have such connections and attachments wrapped up in a lifetime of naming that there doesn't seem to be room for more shake-up.

So, for now, she remains Schlesinger and I am working to drop the Irons from my name so that I am back to Rodley only.  In reality, I don't feel like I have a surname that truly fits or adequately represents my family connections. Changing our names is not going to be part of our marriage union even though we might both prefer that it was different.

Have I Got a Deal for You!

Is there anyone who loves setting foot on the lot at a car dealership?  I remember as a kid, my dad used to stalk the car lots on Sunday afternoons (when they used to be closed on Sundays!) and with us kids scrunched in the cab of his reliable old Ford truck pinching and poking each other, he would wander the long aisles of shiny new cars scoping them out sans sales people.

Teri and I are embarking on our biggest joint purchase to date.  We thought signing a lease and purchasing plane tickets together was a big deal, but shopping for a new-to-us car takes things to a whole new level!  Plus, we are old, we are seasoned--we've been there and done just about everything in the grown up finance and purchase department and we have a damn good idea what we do and don't want.

We have been chatting and researching for a little while now and the other night at dinner, I pushed the envelope: "Let's schedule a time to actually go to a lot and start looking at real live cars..."  With datebooks in hand, we penned in Friday morning and promised ourselves lunch after as a reward.

One of the things I am most grateful for and that I absolutely LOVE about my relationship with Teri is how we deal with money.  Having experienced this as a tortuous challenge in past relationships, it was actually an area of negotiation for us when we were coming together as a couple.  We have similar spending patterns and we both bring a blue collar/working class sensibility and frugality to our finances.  So you can bet that when we step on to the car lot, we know exactly how much we are willing to spend and have a pretty good idea of what we expect to get for that (of course, we expect far more than is reasonable, but that is because we are Americans!)

Teri and I were both also raised by strong-minded, mechanically-savvy dads--we constantly have various idioms and old-school warnings bouncing around when it comes to approaching the areas of life that used to be considered "manly."  As we were heading out the door yesterday morning, I heard me channeling my dad when I barked, "Well, let's go so we can get back!" 

Having done our research, I felt confident that we could fend off anyone who wanted to shoehorn us into anything.  Teri's approach was to set limits on what she was willing to do to try to maintain a sense of control.  We are not desperate or in a hurry and we can't be rushed and I knew from experience that anyone who tried to do that to her would likely loose the arm they extended to shake ours!  I didn't know until we walked across the lot that she was not going to do any test driving on the first trip out.  Okay, good move, I thought--and I promised her that I would shoo off anyone who came over before we were ready to chat.

After running off one salesperson, we got a chance to wander some more before an older one sauntered over to us.  He had a different approach and we managed to out ourselves with the skill that comes with years of necessary outing and he didn't bat an eye--immediately treating us as co-potentials.  We knew what he was up to and he knew it, and he seemed to assess where we were coming from pretty quickly.  Alas, we actually liked him. He showed us how to peruse pre-owned vehicles online (we flat-out told him that neither of us ever intends to buy a brand new car again having learned the depreciation lesson in our twenties) and extracted more information about us as we extracted more information about the modern car-buying process.  He didn't try to hold us there and when we headed off to lunch, we had to admit that we actually had...cough, sputter...fun dipping our toes in the pond of car shopping!

Stay tuned for the continuing saga of Kori and Teri buy a car...

Pork--the Gift for Two Gals who Have Everything

About a week ago, I had lunch with an old friend and while discussing our pending nuptials, he offered to help; he further offered to help with the cooking.  He is a fellow foodie who has a particular fondness for cooking meat.  I casually suggested that maybe he'd like to make a ham or two and he thought that sounded like a fine idea.  In confirming with him yesterday for one of my handy dandy spreadsheets of tasks and taskers, he declared that not only would he cook the hams, but he wanted to "procure" them as well--I think he said that he couldn't think of a better wedding present than pork!

Whoopidee doo!  Teri and I think it very sweet (and not of the honey glaze type of sweet either) and we mused that it adds to the community feel that we so want for our celebration.  In addition to being a wonderful gesture, it is also a good lesson for ME in letting go.  After the warm fuzzies of soaking up our friend's offer, I turned to Teri and said "This means that I have to let go on how it is cooked and it will be someone else's recipe instead of mine..."

"Are you going to be okay with that?" Teri asked.  Well, now, I am going to have to be and what a good lesson in letting go and letting others do what they do well. 

Isn't this the crutch of the tug between control and community?!  In order to experience and participate in joy of friends, family, and receiving, one has to let go of the pull to be in control.  And doesn't that come back to trust?  If I want to live in harmony and connection, then I have to let other people do what they do and be who they are and learn to just say "thank you" with an honest appreciation.

The Thing About the Happiness Factor

Last night, Teri and I stumbled across an online article that stated the happiest people are young, married, hetero couples who are childless and have been together less than five years.  We chuckled.  I guess that rules out us old lesbians with children and a naughty dog!  Who knows what criteria were used to determine what constitutes happiness and I don't know who decided that blissful happiness was the ultimate goal of life anyway?

Lately, we have been locked in some temporary power struggles around here with our dog, Lola.  There have been changes with our varying work schedules, weather, furniture re-arranging and other seemingly ordinary life adjustments. Anyone with dogs or young children knows that neither are very keen on having their routines upended.  Lola has not been happy and I have been channeling Joan Crawford in my attempt to bring order and neatness to a not-very-chaotic home scene.  Heck, two peri-menopausal women and a 9-year-old dog could actually make a somewhat interesting reality show if you were to go by any of our recent rantings.

The thing is, she really is a great dog but she is a middle-aged female too! Sometimes, it isn't so much about happiness as it is about working through other bits of psychology.  Lola wants us to be home more and provide settled laps for her to snuggle into; I would like to have her stay in and on her designated areas so that I come home to a house as tidy as the one I leave; Teri would like some consistency and manners (she says from the dog, but I think she means me as well.) As two seasoned mothers, we are well aware that this is not unlike many power struggles we found ourselves in with our kids over the years before the light went on and we figured out how to pick our battles and just let go.

Would we be "happier" without five adult children to worry over and a dog to keep things unpredictable and messy?  To be honest, we do sometimes fantasize what it would be like to be able to come and go and move and maneuver without concern for these others--but I don't think that is what we really want.  Like typical complicated humans, there are things that we value even more than ease and supposed happiness!

Every time Teri and I problem-solve through one of life's challenges, I feel a renewed sense of love and commitment; when we debate how best to parent the dog and find a way to compromise and support each other, I feel as though I have accomplished another layer to our working as a team; the struggles may not make us "happy" when we are in the midst of them, but the sense of resiliency and humor that bubbles up in living a real and authentic life feels even deeper than the surface happiness.

The thing about happiness is that we Americans often overlook all of the other positive life-affirming things that come from living in connection and community with each other.  I am more content and pleased with my life than I ever was in my twenties and that does not come from being able to do whatever I want.

The Fluctuating Guest List

How hard should it be to decide who to include on a simple guest list?  Anyone who has not had to create a wedding guest list might wonder what all the fuss is about.  Anyone who has done it knows what a slippery wicked road it truly is!

The books and magazines will remind you that it is, after all, YOUR wedding and you should only invite the people you want.  But that is not how it works and we all know it!  There are people that each person really wants there, and there are those whom we don't--and it doesn't always work out as perfectly and cleanly as we'd like.  One person may insist upon a particular guest who makes the other's skin crawl.  And what in the world do we do with family?  How can we invite some and not others?

Teri and I started the skeleton of our guest list last year.  When we decided we were going to have the celebration and ceremony here at our home, it gave us some parameters with which to work.  We figured out the optimal number of people who could comfortably fit in our garden and then decided how much we could accommodate if we need to.  Having coordinated many events, I have confidence that we will be able to adjust to whatever (within reason) as our garden really is quite large and there is room for some creative rearranging.  Teri's priority is that it be people who like us and people who are not going to create any drama or take away from the ease and celebration of our day. 

We both started out more rigid with the idea of who and how many and it continues to fluctuate.  The thing is, life does not stand still!  We make new friends, acquaintances become friends, we start new jobs, those who were part of our social circle move out of it, friends choose new partners--life just moves and turns and refuses to settle into a stagnate and manageable roster.

AND, I don't care what anyone says, the decision-making does involve some worry and concern over how other people are going to feel if they are left off the list.  Teri and I are both big bleeding hearts when it comes to our social leanings (she more than me, I confess) and we don't want to ostracize or hurt anyone--but that sometimes clashes with what we truly want.  And, in the end, there is only so much space, so much capacity and so much budget.  Sure, we both tend to be always-room-for-more kind of gals, but eventually there is a limit.

I have had to accept that the Guest List for this wedding is probably not going to reach a "final" place.  Up until the very end it is going to be morphing and maneuvering and that while we are paying attention to it and tending it--I am going to have to accept there will be some organic evolution.  I am somewhat comforted in knowing that anyone else who has been down this road has gone through the same thing!

Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

Years ago, a male friend of mine told me that a wedding is the domain of the bride.  The equal-opportunity-feminist in me argued that was some sort of cultural apathy and that it wasn't written anywhere and, if it was, how stupid.  Besides, what happens when there are NO brides?  Or TWO Brides?  What happens if they are older or their parents are deceased?  Hey, whose wedding is it anyway???

Teri and I tease each other about who is in charge in our every day life so, it stands to reason that might carry over into Wedding Planning Land.  The truth is, we have very different paces--I am all about checklists and "getting things done" while Teri is more of a wait-and-see sort of gal; she tends to wait until the spirit moves her or the time is right and then she steps in and steps up and does what needs to be done: I am a woman who is used to running meetings and keeping everyone on agenda and on schedule, while Teri would be happy as can be sitting in a classroom or doing research without having anyone tell her what to do.

While it may seem as though I have run out ahead in terms of tasks and checklists, Teri is definitely part of the process as well.  We just aren't always moving at the same pace.  I don't really want her to change and I don't think she really wants me to be someone different, so we have learned to work within the parameters of who we are: I don't miss deadlines and Teri prefers loose ones; I have to be reminded sometimes to back off and slow down while she sometimes needs to be nudged and reminded that time really is ticking by.

Just as we have from the beginning, we ARE determined to share the adventure.  This may not mean that things are always divided up and shared 50-50 (although, like any good lesbians, we are determined to try!)  The other day when I heard one of our kids talking about "Mom's wedding" I had to jump in and remind them that it is OUR wedding--both of ours--and that we are both making all the decisions and choices jointly--I may just be a little more authoritative about keeping things on task.

In Like a Lion...

The weather around here has been dynamic lately, and life hasn’t been a slacker either in the plenty-going-on department. In addition to the snow showers and frozen temperatures, things warmed up yesterday and it poured rain. My sister and I drove through two counties of it en route to a memorial service for one of our great-uncles who passed away at the age of 94.

Yesterday felt heavy--heavy with rain, heavy with contemplation, and heavy with the sense of responsibility and connection that seems to be the order of the day at this age and stage in life.  Watching the slide show synapses of our Uncle's life, it seems odd that 94 years and almost an entire century can click by in just under five minutes.  We were sitting directly across the paneled third-floor room of the Mason's lodge from my great-Aunt (88 years old herself) when the older gentleman giving the eulogy shared that they had just celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary last year.

Seventy years is a long time--and yet, in some ways, it isn't.  It seems dramatic when taken as a chunk of years longer than many people live--but it is really just a conglomeration of ordinary days and ordinary tasks: packed lunches, drives to work, a load of laundry, a baseball game, fishing trips, a glass of iced tea, a warm cookie...

People have a tendency to think of the work, discipline and accomplishment of a 70-year marriage or a 90-year life and yet, I cannot help but imagine that the key to such longevity is a fair amount of fun and play too. I think that it is the big slice of pie and hot coffee, telling stories with grandchildren on a mosquito-infested patio in August, catching up with friends over a pizza or a walk along the river.  In the course of a year, I know that there will be some frigid days, blustery winds and snow flurries, but they are temporary challenges to make the best of--on the other side of March will be the blooming lilac bushes, warm days and sweet-scent of apple blossoms.  It doesn't have to always be about the work and the struggle.

Note: This photo shows the spot in our yard where Teri and I are planning to share our vows...