Stormclouds and Hormones

While it has been over 25 years since either Teri or I were teenagers, neither of us has really forgotten. Growing up is hard, sucky, stressful and the fact that so many of us manage to not only survive, but to also thrive into adulthood is a mystery.  I honestly think it is a miracle that we are not taken out by our own surging hormones and the destructive forces of socialization.

There are the cranky and inept adults who have power over our time and space; there are the peers who confuse us with their own hormonal unpredictabilities--there are anger and insecurity and sex and humiliation and often all of these things gurgle up in a crazy salad before mid-morning!  There are inequities, bullying, abuse, privilege, and myriad social strata and bureaucratic structure to maneuver on a daily basis.

What I have learned about myself as a mother is that while I did pretty well with younger kids and babies,  teenagers are my speciality. I am learning that Teri is pretty darn good at adolescence too. Neither one of us can be shocked, scared or sucked into drama and we are fierce and informed advocates. My motto is stolen from Anne of Green Gables: tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it--and a good motto for the all-or-nothing-life-is-over-and my-existence-is-doomed stormclouds that surround the teens.

The fact is--life truly is pretty damn crappy for many struggling teenagers.  LGBTQI kids are much more likely to end up homeless and kids who come from unhealthy households are battling through the typical turmoils of teenageland with both hands tied behind their backs.  They need the basics--a warm bed, good food, and a roof over their heads; but they also need some things the more privileged take for granted: someone to ask them about their day and listen, someone to advocate for them, sit with them at the doctor's office, help with homework, or even model how to solve problems without it being the end of the world.  You might be amazed at how normal can seem so unsettling...

What happens when spilled food is not an emergency, but merely a mess to clean up?  How odd that two adults can solve a disagreement quickly with humor and a hug?  How strange that an altercation with a teacher can result in an adult advocate sitting down with the school folks and working out a solution?  What if there was always enough soap, toothpaste, toilet paper, milk and heat?  What if no one asked for anything in return?  What sort of strange world is this?!

Teri and I are woefully ordinary people, not the slightest bit heroic.  There are good days and more challenging ones; things we can control and things we can't.  Talking, hugs, a pan of warm brownies, a walk through the neighborhood--we cope in rather boring and ordinary ways.  I can't really speak for Teri but for me, I feel for all the world like a 100% grown-up who remembers very clearly what it felt like to be a teenager or a kid just trying to move in the world. I don't have to relive or retrieve anything because this middle-aged adult is who I am now (and besides, I have my own bucket of perimenopausal hormones to contend with.)


But the way I see it is that we can either be a help or a hindrance.  Either I can participate in a positive way in the lives of people who need and struggle or I am supporting the systems of oppression.  It isn't really that hard--I just have to stay present, compassionate, responsible and aware.  Adolescents need us--not to throw them to the wolves and hope the strongest survive--but to care enough to provide the basics.

Married Life...Three Months Later

We have been busy. That is my excuse for the seeming abandonment of the blog. The past three months have been full of...well, just general living.  Despite how laid back we'd like to think we are, I am finding that neither Teri nor I seem to be the sorts of people who sit back on the sidelines while the world tumbles past.  We find ourselves saying to each other now--so, this the sort of family we are...

We have made some additions to our lives--both in actual people (or person) and in activities.  We throw a "Wednesday night Drop-In" or drop-in as it has been shortened to for all our kids, family, etc. who want to stop in for a big, hot meal and some conversation.  It is low-key in every sense but the food--which tends to be PLENTY to feed our young adults, their starving friends, and whomever...the living room is overflowing, the candy bowl gets emptied and there are plenty of dishes for the two of us to do after the house clears out.  It gives us the chance, however, to keep in touch with all their lives and to connect and grow together as the expanding family we are. We are so grateful for those who are close and feel the pang of missing those who are so far away.

We have also turned over what was our spare bedroom to a previously-homeless teenager--a young gal who got kicked out of her already rocky home world when she came out as queer.  She's working to finish high school and deal with the crappy realities that have been her life so far.  When the opportunity presented itself, Teri and I just knew it was an of course moment for us.  After all, this is the sort of family we are.  It just isn't enough to say that we have certain values or to state our beliefs from some obnoxious soapbox, it matters more that we actually live them.  So, we're getting back into the swing of gallons of milk and empty orange juice pitchers in the fridge--teenage moodiness and energy with a queer twist.  I cannot help but exclaim: how lucky are we?!  The universe just keeps offering up amazing adventures.  Besides, how could we not adore this complicated creature?  She is incredibly good for the likes of us.

We have decided that we just need to say "Yes" to things--at a time when the whole world seems to be shuddering and contracting with fear and insecurities, there are so many ways that we can all just roll up our sleeves and jump in--whether by holding a protest sign, or taking food to the homeless, or serving on a task force, board, or volunteer project.  Chances are, however little one thinks they have, they have enough to share--whether it is time, food, money, a ride, or an offer of help.  Stick up for someone who needs an ally, a friend, a mom--it is amazing what can be done with bacon, pie and compassion...

A New Groove

"What's been new with you?" Someone asked me this a couple days ago and I stumbled for an answer. I wasn't quite sure the context of the question--did he mean in the last month? week? 24 hours? What, indeed, is new with me? Well, as Teri and I have been known to say--everything and nothing.

We have started entertaining in the new house and that seems to be what makes it actually feel like a home. This is not to say that we are solidly in a new groove yet, but we're working on it.  We realized this past weekend that it has been exactly one month since our celebration and ceremony, sheesh, Life has just been flying along! This morning, as I am sitting at the dining room table looking out over the back yard, I have been thinking of the things I love about the new house so far:

• Attached garage off the kitchen--3 steps down to our washer and dryer (almost-vintage, but ours and so far reliable) and then 12 steps out the back door to the clothes line.
• A huge bath tub with plenty of room to roll around
• Friendly neighbors and a good diversity mix
• A kitchen large enough to waltz in
• Warm-toned wood floors
• The 8-minute walk to work (for me)
• We can see the full moon from our bedroom windows
• The sound of clucking chickens in the morning from next door
• How easy it is for friends and family to find us
• The joy of sitting on the front porch and watching the world walk, ride and wander by

Considering the past couple months, I don't know if I would have chosen to have a middle-age Wedding and then move into a new house all within days of each other. Heck, who am I kidding?  My optimistic temperament probably would have assumed it would be a an entirely-doable little challenge and while it was doable, it was a bigger challenge than we anticipated.  Would I do it all over again just to get to this new groovy phase in life?  Hmmm....maybe....

Community and Cookies

Yesterday marked our one-week anniversary of being in our new home.  We just found out this morning that we inadvertently left a few items behind in the dryer (show of hands for how many people have done this?  I think I've done it at least three times in my adult life!) Strangely enough, it seemed like an odd jolt to have to go all the way back to the old house and neighborhood to retrieve them.  Teri and I are working on feeling settled in this new version of our lives.

This past weekend, we were invited to a little barbecue by our next door neighbors and we got to meet several other folks who live on our street.  Breaking out the shiny new cherry red KitchenAid stand-up mixer we received for a Wedding gift, we used it to make cookies to take to the party.  Gooey chocolate chip cookies in hand, Teri and I traversed the fifteen steps it took to get from our front steps to our neighbors and felt ourselves slipping into an entire new community.  One of the top ten things were looking for in our home search was a feeling of neighborhood and connection with neighbors and this time the universe provided.  We had a little taste of neighborliness at our old house with some fantastic folks and friends who lived on nearby streets and we wanted more!

The aftermath of the move has been a little bumpy as we struggle to find places for all our treasures and get back into a post-Wedding, post-move rhythm.  There is work to do and just general personal care to tend to.  After so much upheaval, both Teri and I are feeling a bit ragged.  We can't help but feel that a life without checklists and trying to find a misplaced sweater would be lovely.  There are new sounds to get used to, new details to absorb (What day is the garbage picked up and what time does the mail get delivered?) and there are all the little daily elements to learn.

We baked a pie last night from apples on one of our backyard apple trees and made note of the fact that this oven runs a little hotter than our last.  We are remembering to lock our side gate at night and learned how speedy it is to ride to the nearby DariMart by bicycle for ice cream.  As we sat with a bunch of our neighbors on Sunday night, we also learned other things--twenty years of history: who lived in the triplets' house before they were born; which houses tend to have trouble with bats roosting in the chimneys; which neighbors take in all the stray cats; and who else commutes by bike or foot.  We are starting to discover a new culture and as students of such things, we find that to be just groovy.  Now if we could just remember which light switch is for the garage and which one is for the dining room!

On the Other Side of the Move

It has been almost three weeks since our ceremony and we are, at last, reasonably settled in our new house...August has been intense.  It seems ages ago that we were baking cakes and barking orders at visiting relatives.  Now we are getting used to new "house noises," meeting our new neighbors and unearthing yet one more box of books that needs to find a home.  The amazing fact that we have survived so much upheaval is not lost on us but, seriously, what were we thinking?

Our new-to-us house is a typical, post WWII West Coast one-story: Two bedrooms, little bathroom with an ample tub, living room that leads to kitchen that leads to dining nook and an attached garage that is too small to park a car in, but just right for bicycles, camping gear and the washer and dryer. When I stand in the kitchen, I get the strange sensation that I am standing in my grandparents' kitchen since the layout is exactly the same--the location of the sink in relation to the stove, refrigerator, cabinets. This house feels completely different than our last one and we like it!

Last night, as we were sitting in the living room after taking a good walk down to the river, over to the rose garden, and back through the neighborhood, Teri mentioned that in this house, she has the overwhelming sensation of being right in the middle of life.  Whereas our old house felt like it was tucked into the edge of things and surrounded by trees and neighbors we couldn't get to know, the openness, airy-ness and nearness to downtown makes it feel as though we are pulsing along with a new rhythm of now. We are living in a community.

Change can be good for the soul and experiencing change with a partner can be both extra-challenging and extra-invigorating.  This move was completely different for me than any other move I've done (and I've done plenty!) Teri did so much of the organizing, packing and coordinating that I truly didn't feel like I had to do it all on my own; I just let go of so much and let her be in charge.  I did the finding, negotiating, phone calls, truck renting and address/service changing but dividing up the tasks and such was seamless.  That isn't to say there weren't cranky moments and disagreements, but all in all it was fun.  Imagine that, a fun middle-age move!

So, with the garage left to tackle and the art-on-the-wall negotiations remaining, we are through the bulk of the move and we have left the "practice house" for good!

Newlyweds

Finding the words to re-cap the last few days seems nearly impossible. There have been nudgings for me to get back to putting something down here in the blog but, to be honest, it isn't like the day after the Wedding life went back to some breezy easy mode.  In fact, this morning (Wednesday) was the first morning that felt somewhat "old school."  Even if our house is filling up with boxes and we are both focused on our pending move in just over a week and a half, the Wedding finally feels in the past.

Last night, over the last bottle of champagne, Teri and I finally had some time to the two of us to just talk.  We talked about our favorite parts and the amazing joys, but we also shared our disappointments and what we thought would go differently or what we forgot.  There was gushing, of course, but for two pragmatic and practically-minded women, we couldn't help but make some room for the other too.

As "newlyweds," we do not feel any more committed to each other than we did before.  What does feel different is that our commitment is legitimized in a deeper way for our family, friends, and the community we care so much about.  The entire process has given us the opportunity to get to know each other even more--strengths, weaknesses, idiosyncrasies; it has allowed us some time to fully embrace our different families, meet each others' friends, and accept the unchangeable.  We have had to talk about and work through some pretty bumpy stuff in a fairly public way. We jumped into a journey that has been personal, emotional, political, spiritual, and practical and invited the world in to participate in that journey with us.

I know this woman pretty darn well after three years, but there is plenty more to come.  One of my favorite parts of our vows was when we promised to trust in the other's abiding love.  Partnered with our vow to strive to not take each other for granted, we've committed to companionship and love; we've committed to each other, to our kids, to our families and to our friends--those we already know and those who have yet to find their way into our lives.

Teri and I are still the same women we were before cakes and baked ham and champagne toasts; and the world is still the same world it was before two women stood under a beautiful arbor in a crowded garden--but I like to think that there is a renewed bubbling of love, a strengthening of community, and a hopefulness in the ability we humans have to come together in a grand metaphorical embrace.  My life may be a sloppy prayer, but nonetheless, it is an attempt at just that: beauty, love, attachment, compassion, concern--a pledge; a vow; a promise.

So, This is What One Day Away Looks Like?

There is no turning back now--well, I guess, technically, there is always a turning back but for Teri and I, we are so in full swing Wedding Land now it appears there is nowhere to go but onward.  No more second-guessing--the garden isn't going to get any greener, the house isn't going to be any cleaner, we aren't going to be any thinner so now it is time to just bring on the party!

Yesterday, Teri and I spent over seven hours baking the cakes and cupcakes.  I have to tell you, it feels a bit naughty to use five pounds of butter in one day.  After beating up the fourth bowl full of buttercream frosting and washing the beaters for the last time, there was no doubt that a drink was in order.  We had just enough time to share a few sips before the late afternoon arrival of family and friends.

In the midst of baking, the flowers arrived: two huge boxes delivered by a congenial Fed-Ex man.  We mistakenly assumed there would be instructions in the boxes telling us what we needed to do with them once we pried open the heavily-stapled boxes to unveil hundreds of blooms and blossoms. We panicked, as if a delay in 10 minutes would cause every last stem to wilt and amidst our panic I barked, "Call Rhonda!"  Rhonda is Teri's coworker and a flower and garden maven; she is also helping us with the arranging and such with the flowers so we figured of all the people we knew who might be able to talk us through a two-bride panic, she would be the one.  She did and I have a suspicion that she could sense our hysteria as she reassuringly guided us via cell phone in getting them into buckets of water.  The are taking up space in the coolest, darkest room of our house which just so happens to be our bedroom.  Who knew we would get to fall asleep surrounded by 80 long stems of sunflowers and hundreds of other roses, lilies and statice?

Today will be full, but in such a glorious way. I won't be making 20 pounds of potato salad by myself and Teri gets to make pies with her mother and her daughter. My grown kids and the Becher boys get to reunite and reacquaint after not seeing each other for fifteen years. My BFF Wendy and my BFF Doreen--two very different women--get to meet each other at last as they both pitch in to help. Our lesbian friends, our gay friends, our kids, Teri's parents, our sisters, my oldest pals--all squeezing in and around our little bungalow to arrange chairs and hang paper lanterns.  Last night, after coming back from dinner and while two dozen eggs hard boiled, Teri and I shared a glass of wine and commented that there are certainly easier ways to do a Wedding, but our goal of having a collaborative, shared experience is starting to feel very worth it.