Compromise

When older, single people we know talk about the challenges and realities of dating, one of the things they tend to come back to is "I like my life; I get to do what I want, when I want and I don't have to adjust to anyone else's schedule!"

Well, that is true and it is one of the joys of being unconnected (although as someone who has been either in a relationship or a parent since I was 18, I am not sure I truly understand what they are talking about) but I think that the joys of compromise and collaboration get overlooked.  Yes, I said "joys"--not challenges, struggles or horrors.  Joys of compromise...

Now, in all honesty, I get as tired of communication, collaboration and compromise as the next gal.  My work in nonprofit management is very collaborative (one of the reasons I cling to the freelance writing on the side is that it is pretty much a solitary endeavor) and it is all about the team and the communication in social justice work.  Having raised three kids as a single parent, I have learned how to pick battles, let go and negotiate and partnering with Teri has given me further opportunities to expand, let go and learn how to communicate and negotiate on an intimate level with a whole new person.

There are things that I do that I wouldn't ordinarily do; I might not choose to do them if I were solely on my own and the same goes for her.  There are movies I've seen, places we've gone and activities we've done that I would have never come to by my own volition.  Compromise and collaboration has made for an expansion of life--not the inhibiting contraction that people tend to think.  Even seemingly simple things like which cereal to buy or what to have for dinner take on some expansive elements when two or more people are negotiating around what they both want.

I don't always get exactly what I want, but sometimes I do.  And, because I'm lucky enough to live in community and relation with other people--sometimes I experience things I didn't know I'd like or want...

No, We are NOT Sisters

I have learned a new term: "micro-aggression"--it is a dandy way to explain those little bits of oppression and "isms" that people perpetrate whether intended or not. For example, when a stranger notices someone who appears to be a parent with a child who seems to be a person of color and goes out of their way to comment on how beautiful the child is or how well behaved. The underlying assumption is that an ordinary child of color wouldn't behave reasonably and that is racism.

What I have found to be true is that while many of us have been taught that things like hatred and overt bigotry are wrong, we have not learned to be aware of how to counter or work on the privilege and covert isms that we carry around.  So, intended or not, without awareness and conscious effort, it is quite easy to walk around perpetuating oppression and bigotry and while you may be forgiven by those you oppress, that doesn't make it okay.

Enough of the lecture--one of the realities of my life--or mine and Teri's--is that we are white, so we have that privilege going on, but we are also out lesbians--so we have some awareness of what it feels like to be outside the presumed norm of society.  People automatically assume all sorts of things about us and we have to constantly choose how to respond, react, or maneuver.  One of the things that gets said to us more than I appreciate is "Are you two sisters?"  I actually, honestly, hate that!

Even if you are a beginner at privilege awareness (maybe I'll teach a class "Privilege Awareness 101"), I'll bet you can unpack this micro-aggression: First, the assumption is that everyone is heterosexual so two women who are close, holding hands or enjoying each other's company in a comfortable way must be related somehow--as opposed to being a couple.  Second, since we are both sort-of fair-skinned (although she has red hair and freckles and I'm more of a sandy-and-grey-haired gal) and Caucasian, we must be sisters since we supposedly look so much alike.  Never mind that people can be related and NOT look alike or that we don't really look anything alike and are just two pasty white women.  Third, that it is ever okay to make out loud assumptions about people's status in relation to each other is a mistake.

Okay, that is my brief rant about that.  Teri doesn't mind it as much as I do and she always answers the same way: "No we're not, but I have a sister and she actually looks much more like me since we're identical twins."  I don't usually answer but have been known to give a curt "No" with a disapproving look.  I have also been known to walk away or, if I'm feeling really "militant" (another micro-aggression word since anyone who is staunchly resistant to the norm is either militant or flamboyant), I will say "No, we are partners." But why should I have to?

I know you mean well and that you are just trying to make conversation.  Or you may genuinely be assuming that since we are two fair-skinned white women we must be sisters, but don't.  Stop.  This is just one of the little ways that heterosexism and racism are perpetuated.  Expand your repertoire of how people can be associated with each other and allow people to exist without being categorized, assumed and packaged in a way that 1950's novels tell you they can exist.  I'm just sayin'...

Getting Away...and Coming Home Again

We escaped...we had to.  It was only a three-day get-away, but we packed our sandals and our bathing suits and a recent issue of People magazine.  I was forbidden to take the laptop even though I wandered around on Friday morning trying to figure out if I shouldn't sneak it into the back of the Prius anyway.

If ever two gals needed a little respite, it was Teri and I: long work weeks; transitional stress; wet, rainy bike rides; a needy, whiny dog--all combined to create a world where we were anything but relaxed and feeling a craving need to reconnect with each other without any distractions.

I can't really take credit, it was actually Teri's idea.  A couple weeks ago--in the midst of some pretty tough work stuff for both of us, she made me sit down at the computer and we booked a weekend away.  We committed and come hell or last minute chaos, we were going!  I spent all day Thursday in interviews for a new position at my workplace.  I had to live with the ambiguity of our hiring panel NOT making an immediate decision.  Sure, I could have plodded back to work on Friday (even though I'd been telling and preparing everyone that I'd be gone) and be the responsible, follow-up person--but I just couldn't.  I was committed, I promised Teri this weekend away. So the decision would have to wait--work would have to wait because our spending some time together just couldn't!

That said, it only took me about a day to start to feel truly relaxed.  No work talk.  Minimal kid talk and minimal what-should-we-do-about-the-dog talk.  Walks, soaks, naps, shopping, museums (more on that in the next couple days.)  It all went by in a slow daze of pleasant mellow.  Absolutely perfect and I am forever amazed at how easily compatible Teri and I are.  We do darn well in the midst of stressful life but when we get away from all of that, our obvious compatibility and the way we just simply enjoy each other's company seems an incredible gift.

While we weren't eager to get back home, we weren't really avoiding it either.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to talk to anyone else again (aside from servers, store clerks and the occasional vacationing stranger) but alas, back to the real world! I do feel refreshed and I am gently reminded how fabulous it is to be marching through this time in my life with such a perfect-for-me partner...

Let's Talk about this Registry Stuff

Teri and I did not originally have any thoughts at all about doing the whole "wedding registry" thing.  We aren't really the sort of people who get into things as a practice anyway.  Plus, it seemed an odd sort of activity for two gals at our age.  To be honest, I had just finished purging and downsizing with the moving out of the last of my kids.  We are at the stage where we are actually giving stuff away,  so the idea of doing a "registry" in order to get more stuff seemed a little kooky.

It was our daughter, Lucy, who convinced us that it would be fun and make it easier for people.  I think we thought that if we didn't say anything or do any of the registry stuff people would not feel obligated or even make the effort to get us gifts.  Alas, we were set straight on that one!  I guess it is what people do--even queermo people getting hitched these days--so we tried to put our own little spin on it even if it still makes us feel a bit uncomfortable.

We aren't really setting up house and we have both been through so many moves and a few break-ups and we've learned the best way to cope with the inevitable letting go is to just not get attached to stuff and things in the first place.  Things come, things go, things break, things end up sitting on a shelf in your ex's house--ask anyone who is divorced or been through a nasty break-up and you'll hear some strong reservations about joint purchases and joint ownership. The first Christmas Teri and I spent together, we bought joint ornaments--a set of six--so that if we should split up, we could each take 3 with us!  Now, granted, we have settled down a bit in terms of our fear-based need to NOT get attached to things, but the whole wedding wedding registry philosophy is an ill-fit for us.

Well, we DID go around Target (at that time, we thought they were friendly to the gays, but since then all this stuff has gone down so now we have some Target-guilt) with the zapper gun and figured out what we could actually use and enjoy.  And we DID go to a local store and do an old-fashioned written-by-hand-list of stuff we would probably never actually splurge and purchase for ourselves.  Then we just let the whole thing go. We don't think about it and we don't actually need anything.  When it comes to Wedding Planning Land and all the other busy details of everyday life, we just don't really think about it at all.  I imagine there are young couples who get married for the gifts--heck, I suppose there are old couples who get married with an eye on the gift basket too--but for Teri and I, it is all about the commitment and the party for us.  We really just want people to show up and have a wonderful time and share in our big day.  Besides, we each already have rolling pins we are quite attached to and we've managed to hang on to them through a few life changes.

Them's Fightin' Words!

As much as we try to be level-headed and non-emotional when it comes to moving around in the world, I am learning that both Teri and I have a tendency to be protective and reactive when it comes to perceived injustices and "attacks" from the outside.  It isn't that I really feel as though Teri needs me to stick up for her, she does a dandy job of sticking up for herself, but I do get cranky and cold when she is being criticized or treated poorly.  I am discovering that she gets pretty darn angry when she thinks I am being battered as well.

I am a fairly easy target for critics and criticism.  I have a somewhat public job--on a little scale--and as I've moved along in my career, more and more of it is about relationships and dealing with all sorts of people and their psychologies and less is actually about tasks and competency.  I vacillate between stepping into messy situations and making decisions, and listening to people tell me how they think things should have really been handled. My intentions may be decent--but that isn't always how things go down.  It is new for me to have someone in my life who gets agitated and ticked off when she thinks things are getting out of control or she thinks I am getting unfairly attacked.

As for Teri, she is not always thrilled when I get hot and angry about things going on in her world.  My desire to leap in and right the wrongs can come across as a lack of confidence in her ability to handle things on her own. We are both pretty strong-minded women.  We tend to jump into causes and challenges and assume that we will have the strength and broadness of shoulders to handle whatever comes our way.  Funny, but I don't worry so much about what is coming in my direction but I do get bothered by what is going in hers!

Recently, I have declared that I will never support an organization that I feel didn't treat her well and she has vehemently declared that she will never support someone she thinks criticized me unfairly.  We are funny, I suppose, in our protectiveness and willingness to do battle on some level, but maybe that is what is meant by having each other's backs?

In Defense of Nesting

When I was single in my late thirties and early forties, I used to refer to those women whom I never saw out-and-about as "nesters."  I would see/meet them at work functions or large community events like Pride, but wouldn't see them at potlucks, dances, coffee groups, etc.  Surely I didn't own the term "nesters" but I appropriated and it seemed to fit.  It was never meant derogatorily, but more as a way of differentiating between the busy, bouncy singles and those who had homes and partners to tend.

The truth is, maybe I was a little bit envious.  After all, even when I was married to the man-husband in my early twenties, I didn't really feel compelled to nest with a partner or feel nurtured by couple-hood.  I had my kids and was very interested in making sure they had a comfortable and healthy home, but we were on the go quite a bit and staying home or staying in was not necessarily experienced as a good thing.  I spent so much time as a single or solo parent and there were always soccer games, sleepovers, and other events to manage and attend.

When Teri and I met, we met out-and-about.  In the early weeks and months of our courtship, we did a great deal of dancing, meeting for coffee, movies, house parties and other public wanderings.  We were very social and both of us quite busy with our different (and shared) activities, jobs and social circles.  I have come to understand that there is a season for everything and we don't feel the slightest bit guilty (despite criticism) for the fact that while we still might go out to the ocassional dance or wander over to lesbian coffee every couple months, our lives are in a different space.

As Teri explained it, we are together and we enjoy each other's company--but we have never moved exclusively in any one "community."  She pointed out the nature of our different work worlds makes it so that we interact with a variety of people constantly so often we find balance and solace in each other's companionship.  We don't really ever get the chance to get lonely!  We actually work to carve out the time to be together when we have some leisure time and an evening at home with just the two of us is such a delightful treat--if that makes us nesters then so be it...

We have watched as some of our friends have matched and mated and also shifted in how and when they socialize.  It is always interesting to watch as women meet and begin dating and then, if there is a break-up, usually at least one of them resurfaces and starts bouncing around in the single scene again--grumbling about "nesting."  The fact is, relationships need care and attention; they need to exist in both a private and personal realm, and as a unit in a more public/community setting.  I genuinely love spending time with Teri as my friend and companion--in addition to being madly in love with her.  I have other friends too, and we socialize individually and as a couple, but often if I have my druthers, I'm happiest just being sequestered with my girl. 

This is new for me, after five decades of wandering all over this planet and bopping and bouncing in and out of homes, coffee shops, parties, and all sorts of events, it's pretty darn nice to have a comfy nest to settle into with the perfect-for-me companion...

What About the Rings?

We watched a video where a group of etiquette-os were debating the drama of Prince William going wedding ring-less.  I suppose that is a big deal to some.  For Teri and I, we are still in the midst of our quest for the rings we will wear as wedding bands and I can assure you, there has been much chat, debate and searching as we try to find the perfect "symbols" of our commitment.

I have mixed feelings about wedding rings and symbols in general.  When I asked Teri to marry me, I also asked her if she wanted an engagement ring.  She did and she fell in love with a wonderful silver ring designed and made by a local artisan.  It is etched with bark-like lines and has an inset black diamond.  As for me, I wanted some sort of engagement ring, but I wanted something simple.  Mine is a small silver rope ring designed by the same artist.  I plan to wear it along with whatever band(s) we end up settling on for the actual ceremony.

We have investigated traditional bands--leaning toward silver or white gold since those are the metals that we both like to wear at this point in our lives.  We even investigated other metals like tungsten carbide--going so far as to try some on in a jewelry store (we decided it was quite heavy and most of the ring designs were far too masculine for our taste.)  We have debated whether to go with matching, similar, different--you name it, we have discussed this whole wedding band topic in detail!

I could have easily been talked out of wedding bands--that is how ambivalent I feel about them.  I think for me, they are somewhat of a leftover hetero symbol but I have been open to re-inventing the custom to fit who Teri and I are as a couple.  For Teri, she doesn't have the same ambivalence and she knows that she wants some sort of a wedding band.  I can shift my thinking to imagining the wedding band as a symbol of commitment and unending love (as opposed to possession and status) but like many elements of this journey to the ceremony, it is an expanding process.

Recently, we have been looking at hand-crafted wooden rings--I am especially smitten by those made by recycled wood and taken with the warmth and earthiness of the rings I've seen.  I have never had a wooden ring before and that adds to the specialness and the uniqueness of having one for a wedding band for me.  AND, since each one is made individually, they might be similar and from the same piece of wood, but they would be different and unique.

No decisions have been made...there will be rings, but the quest for the wedding bands continues...