Performance Anxiety

To be completely honest, we are starting to get a little stressed and anxious around here.  It is not overwhelming and it isn't so much emotional as it is the anxiety of two women who tend to process everything intellectually.  Our brains are busy.

I am envious of those people who go through life acting on gut, instinct and emotion--mostly I am envious.  I tend to filter everything cerebrally and I joke that my brain is the most-used organ in my body.  It took me decades to realize and embrace the fact that I am not a free-flowing, emotionally-driven artist and what creativity I do have is entirely mental. 

When I first met Teri, a bunch of women were chatting about what attracted them to someone else and she unabashedly said that while she may notice a person who was physically attractive momentarily, the real attraction came through conversation and mental connection.  Hmmmm, I thought, a tribe mate!

So, as our Wedding day approaches, our brains are working overtime and we are finding ways to settle, cope and connect amidst the stress and anxiety.  It isn't about doubt or worry over whether or not we are doing the right thing, it is more performance anxiety: will we be able to get everything done?  Can we figure out the best seating chart?  And what about standing up in front of everyone and saying those vows?  Will we be able to tend to the visiting friends, family and loved ones? What about the people we haven't heard from--are they more offended by the Gayness than we realized?  We are thinking, fussing, and it is all from the neck up!

It has gotten a bit quiet around here as both Teri and I have retreated into our worry-heads and we both find ways to cope and process and manage.  We think we've talked it through and reassured each other but this is a big deal and it doesn't take long before our brains are in charge again.  Our dreams are intense.  We are both trying to do as much walking, biking and yoga as we can fit in and are keeping an ever-replenishing collection of dark chocolate at the ready.  There is some reassurance in that we are not alone and that while others may cope and deal differently, this is completely appropriate behavior for two women who are about to produce the biggest doins, on top of the biggest commitment of the second-half of their lives!  No pressure, of course...