Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sharing in Multiple Ways
I had a weepy moment after being taken to task by someone who we did not include on our guest list. I don't know why it made me a bit upset--I tried to explain it to Teri by saying that I was feeling vulnerable and prickly at the same time. I know that I need to be thick-skinned about this and if you ask anyone, they will tell you that I can be strong and crusty with the best of them. But, I suppose that as our big day approaches, I feel increasingly anxious, nervous and vulnerable. Even as Teri reminds me that this is about us and we are doing the best we can.
As it is, we have attempted to be sensitive about being inclusive since the beginning. This blog was started as a way to share our journey in a very public and accessible way with those who might not ever see us in person. As I wrote about weeks ago, we wrestle with the public vs. private with varying results and have just resigned ourselves to try to balance the best we are able. It is both a privilege and a responsibility and we are not terribly unique--we are simply letting our story speak for itself.
Meanwhile, we have looked for other ways to share and be inclusive--whether with family, friends or those we barely or hardly know. From the blog, to gatherings and parties, to crafts and projects. What would we do differently if we were to start the process all over again? I imagine that we will have to wait until after the ceremony to gain the perspective of looking back. I don't think I would be coerced into having a bigger event whatever the pressure. As it is, our relatively small guest list seems huge to Teri and might be a little outside her comfort zone. If anything, at this point, we might be tempted to not do a public ceremony at all--but I think that we are in grand company with thousands of other couples who have doubted the choice a few weeks away from their Weddings! Teri keeps reminding me that once we are in the midst of our day and the last guest has left, we will feel that it has all been gloriously worth it.
So, as we get down to the wire, I imagine I am going to be both gooey and vulnerable and push back with resistance against those who want to make this about them. When Teri and I were chatting about it, we shared that we both felt compassion and understanding, but that we couldn't let our over-developed senses of fairness and community responsibility run away with us. I recently read some advice that I wish I would have read months ago--something like if you have to think too hard about it and have long conversations about whether or not to include someone, they are probably better left off the guest list. I imagine it is the same in life, we all have varying capacity at different times in our lives for different sorts of people, activities, jobs, etc. I have to make decisions and choices every day all day and wouldn't it be nice if the consequences were peachy and easy? Alas and unfortunately, we knew that there would be reaction to our commitment journey and we made plans for how to be as open, accessible, and inclusive as possible and still have the ceremony we wanted. Intellectually, I knew this but emotionally the weepiness reminded me that this Wedding and Marriage Ceremony isn't really an intellectual adventure. While zillions have gone before, Teri and I are moving around in unchartered territory...